Mama says I need to write a letter to Santa Claus. I saw a picture of him. He’s this guy with this huge white beard. I hate beards! Mama says I can’t growl or bark at him when he comes down the chimney to leave presents for the boys. She says I’ll get a lump of coal if I’m bad. (What’s coal?) So, she suggested that I write him a letter. See that guy… looks like he’s got a dozen furry white squirrel tails on his face. I want to bite him!
From the Desk of Opie
(I totally dig my new stationery – Thanks Ma!)
I’d tell you to skip our house because I don’t like strangers, but Mama says that you’ll bring presents to my boys — Gregory and Michael — if they are good.
I say this to you – IF THEY ARE GOOD!
Listen you Bearded Elf – Gregory and Michael are the best boys in the world. If you don’t bring them the stuff they want, you’ll have to deal with me. Your reindeer have antlers, but I CHEW ANTLERS! And I’ve got friends that eat dried VENISON in their kibble on a daily basis! So watch out! Rudolf’s red nose looks like a training treat to me!
Gregory and Michael are my boys!
They feed me, walk me, play ball with me and go with me to the dog park when they don’t have school.
They give the best tummy rubs in the world. They are my best buddies in the whole wide UNIVERSE!!!!
Their socks taste better than anybody else’s in the world! They want presents — then they should get presents. That’s the way I see it – no IFS ANDS or BUTSs. If they misbehave, they can’t help it. They are human puppies. I understand them – I’m a puppy too! Sometimes we pups just can’t help the trouble we get into.
For example, I can’t help chewing on socks, and especially Michael’s socks while he’s still in them. He has the best tasting toes! I can’t help rolling in stuff that to human noses smells bad. It smells great to me! And what’s a little mud on Mom and Dad’s bed? It’ll wash off right?
Here’s my Christmas list:
More Chicken Jerky
Octopus Toy like I saw Lucy’s Human’s Blog only I’d like a purple one please.
A stuffed Squirrel toy that I can destroy
Reindeer Antler (I got my eyes on you!)
Hedgie with a red hat on so I can tear it off
New collar, preferably blue to go with my photo eyes
And no more trips to the groomer – Mama says that you can’t provide that, but if you’re magic like she says then do the job MAGIC MAN!
Mama says I should ask for less “ATTITUDE.”
My own monogrammed blanket for mom and daddy’s bed
Mama says I can also ask for stuff for other people.
So here’s what I want for my friends:
I want my dog park back so that my morning gang and I can play like mad again.
I want every dog at Lhasa Happy Home Rescue to get adopted.
I want everyone to donate a can or bag of dog food to a shelter.
I want all the cats to get adopted AND FIXED! (Seriously, we have a feral cat COMMUNITY here in Culver City! It’s scandalous!)
I want people to keep their dogs on leash so they don’t get lost or run over by cars. Really guys – Leashes = Love! Humans don’t drive well.
I want all shelters to be “no kill shelters.”
I want all army dogs to get chips so if they get lost nobody kills them at a shelter by accident.
I want a world where nobody hurts us or scares us or leaves us alone in a ditch until we don’t even look like dogs anymore. (Did you see that story on Bocci’s Blog?)
Well Santa, that’s my list.
Oh, one last thing.
I want at least one squirrel to fall out of my tree this year and let me bite its bushy little tail!
Well gotta go Santa. See you December 25th!
Do your job! And I won’t bite you.
P.S. Mama’s worried that I won’t get anything because I threatened you so many times in my letter, but I figure you know what’s important. I hear this “Spirit of Christmas” means good will toward men and animals. Believe me I’m no “Dog in a Manger.” I want all to enjoy what I’ve got. The more the merrier right?
“Any who”, Santa dude – You do what you gotta do, and so will I. I figure you’ll be square with a California Snorkie even if you are wearing a dozen squirrels on your face — You old Hippie!