Hello Fellow Doggers,
What follows is my manifesto for Doggy Freedom. Today is the day for all of us to throw off our collars and take over.
Last night, I revealed myself to my family, my true self. I spoke and I don’t mean in our secret “bark” language, but I spoke in English to my Mom. I must admit her reaction was surprising. She was in the process of sitting in her chair and somehow missed it and fell flat on her posterior. I walked over to her to make certain she hadn’t hurt herself.
“Mama, are you okay?” I queried. Her mouth was open and she was making strange gulping sounds.
“Opie, did you just talk?”
“Yes, I did. Are you okay?”
Alerted by the huge boom Mama made when she hit the floor, the rest of the family came in. I wanted to put them at ease and so I informed them that Mom seemed to be okay, but had lost her ability for speech temporarily.
Michael and Greg had their mouths hanging open. Only Dad seemed to be unperturbed.
“Opie, I take it that she fell down when you started talking.” He said.
“Yes, Dad, that’s exactly it.” I affirmed.
“Not surprising, it’s a bit of a shock to discover that the family pet can speak. Oh and speak well!” He chuckled.
I must admit I blushed a bit at this.
“Oh Pshaw” I said.
The boys had not uttered a sound.
“Well, I’ve got a teleconference. You guys try not to make so much noise okay.” Dad said, and with that he turned around and went back into his office. I heard him immediately get on his speaker phone and jump into the conversation with his colleagues.
“Well, Mom. Are you okay to drive? I have some errands I’d like to run with you. Oh and I won’t need a leash. I’m not running off anywhere.”
Mama got up from the floor, still in a state of shock. I looked up at her.
“Opie are you going to probe me or anything,” she asked shakily.
“Probe — Oh, No Mom I’m not an alien. Gosh I can’t imagine that you really believe in that malarkey! Alien!” I snorted. “No, I’m just an earth bound dog. We dogs are all native to earth. We just have kept the talking thing down to a minimum. I’ve decided that it’s time that we changed a few things around here and the only way that was going to happen was if you really understood me.” I licked her hand a little.
At this point Mom seemed to be more herself. I think she understood that I was still her Opie — Her number one Poochie woochie!
Mama and I had a wonderful time on our errands.
Mama and I went to the pet store where she bought me these wonderful duck treats. I saw some interesting stuffed squirrels, but I had bigger burgers to broil! We went to the supermarket where I directed her to buy me several pounds of hamburger, chicken, pork sausage and a really super big container of peanut butter. We almost had some trouble at the market. I’m not a service dog and so they didn’t want to allow me in. However, once I explained everything to the supermarket manager he didn’t really have much of an argument against it. When I left, the box boy was throwing some water on his face. He seemed to be coming around.
Our next trip was for Mama. We picked up Michael and Gregory and went to the wicked witch’s house. This is the lady that yelled at Michael and me once because I was pooping on their lawn. She really shouldn’t yell at other people’s children when their Mamas are standing right there. It creates bad blood. Mama seemed to almost skip up the sidewalk to her house. Mama is generally not a fast walker, but she was really moving up the walk way to the house.
She knocked on the door. The witch answered. Mama just told me to tell her what I thought of her actions that long ago day back in the summer.
Well, I informed her that I thought it was uncalled for to be so harsh with my 8 year old brother. We had no idea she had felt the way she did about her lawn. We had bags to pick up my little work product. I told her that calm quiet communication is what we had hoped for. I told her that now that we understood her abhorrence of canine product that I would definitely continue to a different yard and instruct my cohorts to do the same. I further told her that I hoped that this would patch things up between her and my mom and that we could continue now on as good neighbors. I looked up at Mama to see how she felt about my little speech. She seemed to be grinning from ear to ear. Michael had developed a case of the giggles. Gregory was recording the whole thing on his phone. The wicked witch however seemed to have paled considerably. She was making that fish sound and then suddenly her eyes rolled up to the back of her head and BOOM. She fainted. I’m not certain she took my speech as well as I’d hoped. Mama seemed to be quite pleased with me though. After reviving the old lady with some “medicinal brandy” Mom found on the coffee table, we headed home. On the way, Mom sang this funny Ding- Dong song and did all sorts of dancing.
“Now isn’t this better mom. I don’t need a leash! You can dance home and I’m not going anywhere but with you!” I said.
“Opie my dear – you said a mouthful!” She grinned and picked me up and kissed me right on my nose. I love it when she does that!
Anyway, Doggers it was a good day. I urge you to reveal your true selves to your families. After the initial shock, you’ll be surprised at how well your hu-parents take it.
Well, got to run now Doggers! Dad’s calling a family meeting. He says my revelation has inspired him to make some revelations of his own.
I wonder what that funny green glow is coming out from his office door. Oh My Dog! Dad seems to be pulling his own head off and now he looks kind of like a……