Dear Santa Claus,
I know that you are a great animal lover! You’ve taken great care of your magic reindeer all these years. You are also such a handsome man, (and no, I am not just sucking up because you are the bringer of gifts, you really are a handsome man.) You have a wonderful beard – almost as lovely as mine. Your white hair gleams – almost as much as mine does. You must know you are one of my favorite humans besides my family.
Who else would I allow in my house in the dead of night? You know you’re my homie!
Anyway, let me get down to brass tacks. I have some requests for this Christmas. You can put them in my doggy stocking or under the tree.
I’ve been a very good boy by the way. I know I must certainly be on your list of good doggies. Actually all of us in this house have been pretty good. My guess is you’ll have lots of stuff for my hu-brothers.
So here’s my list.
30 pound bag of Duck Jerky – I love that stuff!
1000 foot extension leash for chasing squirrels at least 2 blocks ahead of mom on walks
Mail Carrier Location
device so they can’t sneak up on my porch while I’m taking a nap
1 Case of Best Bully Sticks — You’re going to bring me that anyway, right?
Doggy Door so that I can go to the backyard at will – Mama wants one that she can lock, but you don’t need to add that feature.
Plans for a Burmese Opossum/Raccoon Trap – Do I really need to explain that?
Stuffed Chipmunk – ’cause they’re fun and I bit the head off my other one
Stuffed Squirrel – ’cause they’re fun and I bit the head off my other one
Stuffed Opossum – ’cause they’re fun and I bit the head off my other one
- Stuffed Skunk – ’cause they’re fun and I bit the butt off my other one. I kept thinking it was trying to spray me.
- 5 cans of Tennis balls – ’cause I keep chewing my old ones “bald”
- Fuzzy slippers that look just like Mom’s but are Mine to chew on. Frankly, I don’t see what the big deal is. One tiny little hole and it’s like the whole world exploded. Sheesh!
- 4 dozen white athletic socks – just like my hu-brothers, but are mine to chew on.
- “Whack a squirrel” video game by Xbox Kinect – That looks SOOOOOO fun!
Some light reading
- To Kill a Squirrel – by Barker Lee
- The Poodle with the Dragon Tattoo – by Stieg Barkson
- The Poodle who pulled the Cat’s tail – by Stieg Barkson
- If you give a Dog a Donut – Laura Numeroff (human author, really!)
- Of Mice and Mastiffs – John Steinbark
- Lassie – the Unauthorized Biography – by Wolf Tailwagger
- Bo – First Dog for the First Family an Autobiography — by Bo Obama
- To Kill a Squirrel – by Barker Lee
- Gift Certificate for one free bite on Mail carrier — Please, please, please, please, please!
- Homemade liver treats – I’d like Mama to make them, but if Mrs. Claus is a competent cook, I’ll take them from her. (I’ll take them from anybody!)
- My own couch in front of the TV –My hu-brothers keep squishing me!
- A red fire hydrant for the backyard – because Tuesday, Chewy and Momo will be SOOOOO Jealous! They’re my buds in the ‘hood.
- Gift Certificate for unlimited tummy rubs and head scratches – Yeah Baby!
- 25 free rides to the dog park – I don’t have to go with Mama. I’ll take a cab! Who needs a leash?
- Plane ticket to visit all my blog buddies across the country – Especially my friend Sage so we can go to the 1000 acre park! And my buddy Bogie in Texas. But I’m not riding in anybody’s cargo hold. I may be able to fit under the seat if Mama doesn’t bring any carry on items!
Of course Santa, I reserve the right to modify and expand this list. But I think for now, this is probably a good place for you to start.
I have great confidence that a handsome bearded jolly person like you will have no trouble finding and providing these items for me. Remember I’ve been a very, very good doggie! By the way, if you see any Christmas outfits on Mama’s list, don’t even bother with them. She thinks she wants to dress me up, but she’s getting old and confused. She doesn’t really want to do that. So, if you see that on her list, please cross it out chalk it up to early dementia on her part.
I promise. I am NOT wearing any more Christmas outfits even if I do look stunningly handsome in them.
Some things are just beneath a Snorkie’s dignity.
Oh one last thing Santa,
For you to be extra careful about placing little doggies and kittens in stockings this year. Please make certain that they go to good homes that really want them and understand how much love and care we doggies and kittens too need. Please make certain that the rescued doggies and kitties find FOREVER homes. It’s so sad when someone gives some child a pet without thinking about whether that pet is a good fit for the family or whether they should even have one at all. So please Santa be extra careful. You’re smart dude so I know you’ll probably do this anyway, but I can’t let this opportunity to talk to you pass without a gentle reminder.
Well say “high” to reindeer and the elves for me. (BOL!)
Licks and Sniffs,
Your Pal Opie