Tag Archives: Opies Christmas lists

Dear Santa – A Snorkie’s Christmas List

Dear Santa Claus,

I know that you are a great animal lover! You’ve taken great care of your magic reindeer all these years. You are also such a handsome man, (and no, I am not just sucking up because you are the bringer of gifts, you really are a handsome man.) You have a wonderful beard – almost as lovely as mine. Your white hair gleams – almost as much as mine does. You must know you are one of my favorite humans besides my family.

Who else would I allow in my house in the dead of night? You know you’re my homie!


Anyway, let me get down to brass tacks. I have some requests for this Christmas. You can put them in my doggy stocking or under the tree.

I’ve been a very good boy by the way. I know I must certainly be on your list of good doggies. Actually all of us in this house have been pretty good. My guess is you’ll have lots of stuff for my hu-brothers.


So here’s my list.


  1. 30 pound bag of Duck Jerky – I love that stuff!

  2. 1000 foot extension leash for chasing squirrels at least 2 blocks ahead of mom on walks

  3. Mail Carrier Location
    device so they can’t sneak up on my porch while I’m taking a nap

  4. 1 Case of Best Bully Sticks — You’re going to bring me that anyway, right?

  5. Doggy Door so that I can go to the backyard at will – Mama wants one that she can lock, but you don’t need to add that feature.

  6. Plans for a Burmese Opossum/Raccoon Trap – Do I really need to explain that?

  7. Stuffed Chipmunk – ’cause they’re fun and I bit the head off my other one

  8. Stuffed Squirrel – ’cause they’re fun and I bit the head off my other one

  9. Stuffed Opossum – ’cause they’re fun and I bit the head off my other one
  10. Stuffed Skunk – ’cause they’re fun and I bit the butt off my other one. I kept thinking it was trying to spray me.
  11. 5 cans of Tennis balls – ’cause I keep chewing my old ones “bald”
  12. Fuzzy slippers that look just like Mom’s but are Mine to chew on. Frankly, I don’t see what the big deal is. One tiny little hole and it’s like the whole world exploded. Sheesh!
  13. 4 dozen white athletic socks – just like my hu-brothers, but are mine to chew on.
  14. “Whack a squirrel” video game by Xbox Kinect – That looks SOOOOOO fun!
  15. Some light reading
    1. To Kill a Squirrel – by Barker Lee
    2. The Poodle with the Dragon Tattoo – by Stieg Barkson
    3. The Poodle who pulled the Cat’s tail – by Stieg Barkson
    4. If you give a Dog a Donut – Laura Numeroff (human author, really!)
    5. Of Mice and Mastiffs – John Steinbark
    6. Lassie – the Unauthorized Biography – by Wolf Tailwagger
    7. Bo – First Dog for the First Family an Autobiography — by Bo Obama
  16. Gift Certificate for one free bite on Mail carrierPlease, please, please, please, please!
  17. Homemade liver treats – I’d like Mama to make them, but if Mrs. Claus is a competent cook, I’ll take them from her. (I’ll take them from anybody!)
  18. My own couch in front of the TV –My hu-brothers keep squishing me!
  19. A red fire hydrant for the backyard – because Tuesday, Chewy and Momo will be SOOOOO Jealous! They’re my buds in the ‘hood.
  20. Gift Certificate for unlimited tummy rubs and head scratches – Yeah Baby!
  21. 25 free rides to the dog park – I don’t have to go with Mama. I’ll take a cab! Who needs a leash?
  22. Plane ticket to visit all my blog buddies across the country – Especially my friend Sage so we can go to the 1000 acre park! And my buddy Bogie in Texas. But I’m not riding in anybody’s cargo hold. I may be able to fit under the seat if Mama doesn’t bring any carry on items!

 

Of course Santa, I reserve the right to modify and expand this list. But I think for now, this is probably a good place for you to start.

I have great confidence that a handsome bearded jolly person like you will have no trouble finding and providing these items for me. Remember I’ve been a very, very good doggie! By the way, if you see any Christmas outfits on Mama’s list, don’t even bother with them. She thinks she wants to dress me up, but she’s getting old and confused. She doesn’t really want to do that. So, if you see that on her list, please cross it out chalk it up to early dementia on her part.


 

I promise. I am NOT wearing any more Christmas outfits even if I do look stunningly handsome in them.

Some things are just beneath a Snorkie’s dignity.


 

Oh one last thing Santa,

 

  1. For you to be extra careful about placing little doggies and kittens in stockings this year. Please make certain that they go to good homes that really want them and understand how much love and care we doggies and kittens too need. Please make certain that the rescued doggies and kitties find FOREVER homes. It’s so sad when someone gives some child a pet without thinking about whether that pet is a good fit for the family or whether they should even have one at all. So please Santa be extra careful. You’re smart dude so I know you’ll probably do this anyway, but I can’t let this opportunity to talk to you pass without a gentle reminder.

     

Well say “high” to reindeer and the elves for me. (BOL!)

 

Licks and Sniffs,

 

Your Pal Opie

 

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Opie Tells Santa a Thing or Two

Santa Claus

I count at least 8 squirrel tails on this dudes face -- Geez every heard of a BARBER!


Mama says I need to write a letter to Santa Claus. I saw a picture of him. He’s this guy with this huge white beard. I hate beards! Mama says I can’t growl or bark at him when he comes down the chimney to leave presents for the boys. She says I’ll get a lump of coal if I’m bad. (What’s coal?) So, she suggested that I write him a letter. See that guy… looks like he’s got a dozen furry white squirrel tails on his face. I want to bite him!

Here goes!


 
 

From the Desk of Opie

  

(I totally dig my new stationery – Thanks Ma!)
 

Dear Santa,

I’d tell you to skip our house because I don’t like strangers, but Mama says that you’ll bring presents to my boys —  Gregory and Michael —  if they are good.

I say this to you IF THEY ARE GOOD!

Listen you Bearded Elf – Gregory and Michael are the best boys in the world. If you don’t bring them the stuff they want, you’ll have to deal with me. Your reindeer have antlers, but I CHEW ANTLERS! And I’ve got friends that eat dried VENISON in their kibble on a daily basis! So watch out! Rudolf’s red nose looks like a training treat to me!

Gregory and Michael are my boys!

They feed me, walk me, play ball with me and go with me to the dog park when they don’t have school.

They give the best tummy rubs in the world. They are my best buddies in the whole wide UNIVERSE!!!!

Their socks taste better than anybody else’s in the world! They want presents — then they should get presents. That’s the way I see it – no IFS ANDS or BUTSs. If they misbehave, they can’t help it. They are human puppies. I understand them – I’m a puppy too! Sometimes we pups just can’t help the trouble we get into.

For example, I can’t help chewing on socks, and especially Michael’s socks while he’s still in them. He has the best tasting toes! I can’t help rolling in stuff that to human noses smells bad. It smells great to me!  And what’s a little mud on Mom and Dad’s bed? It’ll wash off right?

Mama also says that you’ll bring me presents if I am good. Well, I’m as good as I can be. By that I mean that I am GRREAT!


Here’s my Christmas list:

  

More Chicken Jerky
 

Octopus Toy like I saw Lucy’s Human’s Blog only I’d like a purple one please.

A stuffed Squirrel toy that I can destroy

Reindeer Antler (I got my eyes on you!)

Hedgie with a red hat on so I can tear it off

New collar, preferably blue to go with my photo eyes

And no more trips to the groomer – Mama says that you can’t provide that, but if you’re magic like she says then do the job MAGIC MAN!

Mama says I should ask for less “ATTITUDE.”

My own monogrammed blanket for mom and daddy’s bed

 

Mama says I can also ask for stuff for other people.

So here’s what I want for my friends:

I want my dog park back so that my morning gang and I can play like mad again.

I want every dog at Lhasa Happy Home Rescue to get adopted.

I want everyone to donate a can or bag of dog food to a shelter.

I want all the cats to get adopted AND FIXED! (Seriously, we have a feral cat COMMUNITY here in Culver City! It’s scandalous!)

I want people to keep their dogs on leash so they don’t get lost or run over by cars. Really guys – Leashes = Love! Humans don’t drive well.

I want all shelters to be “no kill shelters.”

I want all army dogs to get chips so if they get lost nobody kills them at a shelter by accident.

I want a world where nobody hurts us or scares us or leaves us alone in a ditch until we don’t even look like dogs anymore. (Did you see that story on Bocci’s Blog?)

I want everyone to know how much love we have to give. All of us – big like my friends Sage and Fergus and little like my friends Chewy and Poppy and Woody!

Well Santa, that’s my list.

 

Oh, one last thing.

  

I want at least one squirrel to fall out of my tree this year and let me bite its bushy little tail!
 
Well gotta go Santa. See you December 25th!

 

  
Do your job! And I won’t bite you.
 

 

 Your pal,

Thomas Nast's most famous drawing, "Merry...

Hippie Santa!

Opie

P.S. Mama’s worried that I won’t get anything because I threatened you so many times in my letter, but I figure you know what’s important. I hear this “Spirit of Christmas” means good will toward men and animals. Believe me I’m no “Dog in a Manger.” I want all to enjoy what I’ve got. The more the merrier right?

“Any who”, Santa dude – You do what you gotta do, and so will I.  I figure you’ll be square with a California Snorkie even if you are wearing a dozen squirrels on your face — You old Hippie!

O.P.