Twas the Night Before Opie’s First Christmas with Us.

 

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse.

It was my first Eve, first Nativity day

With a tree in our house with which I could not play.

It had colorful balls, shiny, blue, green and red,

That my mom called “off limits,” or I would be dead.

The base of the tree smelled of pine and outdoors.

But no marking the base, presents, branches or floors.

“Your leg better stay down, ’round the tree, Opie dear”

If it goes up, I’m sure you’ll have much to fear”

So, ignoring the tree, I curled up in my bed.

And visions of poultry danced round in my head.

I was dreaming of chicken and turkey and beef

When suddenly I heard sounds much like a thief.

Low growl in my throat, tail straight as an arrow,

I licked my chops, and thought, “Go straight for his marrow!”

I jumped off of our bed quick, nails hitting the floor

And then padded softly to peek through the door.

But what to my “wonderous” eyes should appear,

But a fat bearded guy sporting GI-NORMOUS rear.

He was pulling out presents from out of his pack,

And filling up stockings mom’d hung on a rack!

He had gaily wrapped Wii games and Nintendo stuff.

It was all for my boys so I couldn’t be gruff.

It was Santa who mom said would come on this night

To bring presents and gifts to be opened first light.

He wore a great big fur suit just like Mama Said,

I’m a color blind dog, but I’ll bet it was red.

He had a white beard, looked like squirrel tails to me.

He scratched at the thing – Oh, poor guy has a flea!

 

He turned from the tree and he beckoned to me.

I padded right over and he knelt on his knee.

He smelled just like chicken, beef and nut butter,

And as I got closer my heart started to flutter.

He had something to give me that smelled just delicious

And I knew that he’d read each and all of my wishes.

I tore off the wrapping and whined with great glee.

It was a fluffy squirrel toy made especially for me.

Old Santa then gave me a gentle head pat,

Then he scratched at my neck till I started to mat.

He drank milk and ate cookies that my boys had left.

I could see right away why he had so much heft.

He patted the couch and turned on the tube.

And then watched the game DVR’d for this Dude.

He split the last cookie with me in the end.

And I knew that I’d count him forever a friend.

With a belch of delight, he turned off the game,

Rose to full height then did what gave him fame.

He lay his gnarled finger on the side of his nose,

Yuck, I thought, but then up the chimney he rose.

I heard a big racket go on, on our roof.

As I looked out the windows, I saw a big hoof

And well reined up beasts with big antlers — bells ringing.

Next Christmas I knew I would have all of the meaning

Why people on Christmas are especially great

Because the Spirit of Giving is the best ghost to date.

So good night Old Santa! Keep going on with your chores

And know that the welcome at our house forever is yours.

P.S.

Next Christmas could I have one of Blitzen’s Antlers?

Why can’t I pee on it? – An Agreement is forged between Dog and Woman

 

Hi all,

Opie Here!

There is a tree inside the house!
Mama has told me that I may not “mark it!”

I say – well, why not? It’s a tree isn’t it?

Isn’t it a dogs God given right to lift his leg in celebration of the wonders of the tree? Okay, I know I’m pushing it.

Oh mom has something to say –

What follows is the transcript of the Christmas tree Agreement:

Mama: Now Opie – you mark trees to show your territory right?

Opie: Well somewhat. I also do it because I can. Heh, Heh, Heh!

Mama: Opie the tree will be in our living room which is YOUR territory already right? So why do you need to mark it at all?

Opie: Well, actually the living room is sort of a shared space. For some reasons, I sometimes get booted off the couch so I don’t really feel that I can categorically say that the living room is really mine. However, if you are saying that you are willing to cede over the living room territory on condition that I refrain from marking a certain dying tree that you’ll have in the house, then I may not be averse to such an arrangement. Of course, I’ll need a bit more consideration for this contract than a mere paw shake. Mom, I’m sure you know that real property transactions require more than a handshake. You’ve got to grease the paw, so to speak. Heh, heh, heh!

Mama: I never knew you were such a shark, but if you’re going to play it like that, then I am going to need some concessions as well. Mercenary little mutt! No more “The Practice” reruns for you!

Opie: Go on learned colleague, no need to get testy just because there’s more than one good brain in this house. Heh, heh, heh!

Mama: The tree shall remain Unmarked by the Snorkie known as Opie for all the time that it is present within the house.

Opie: Agreed.

Mama: Not so fast bud, I’m not done yet.

Opie: Hmm.

Mama: All ornaments or other items dangling from said tree will remain unmolested by all canines within the house. At no time, will the Opie Snorkie, touch with paw or nose any ornament dangling from the tree no matter how close in proximity said ornament is to the said canine. Any ornament that resembles any sort of rodent of any type or any sort of animal of any type or any shape and made of any material shall heretofore remain un-violated by the teeth and tongue of said canine.

Opie: Uh.

Mama: I’m not finished… Said canine will also refrain from drinking the water that the tree is sitting in. He shall leave all gaily wrapped presents and all items that are set under around beside and within a 6 foot radius of the tree alone. He will not mark, nose, paw, jump upon, chew or bite any items that falls within this 6 foot radius.

If he does his temporary easement granting use of the living room will be revoked and he will be banned for an indefinite period to the small bathroom, the back bedroom, the backyard or the laundry room. Subject to my discretion he will also possibly forfeit certain items which might be designated for his gifting under the tree and in his Christmas stocking as well as certain items already in his possession, including but not limited to Hedgie, Mr. Greenie, squeaky tennis balls, Bully sticks and other items causing said dog great entertainment and pleasure.

Opie: You mean there will be presents for me under the tree and in the Christmas stockings?

Mama: Maybe… If you agree to this contract, I am willing to give you three chicken jerky strips and a table spoon of peanut butter to seal the deal. What say you, Opie?

Opie: Presents, I get presents too?

Mama: Opie?

Opie: Oh yes! I agree and I’ll throw in free guard duty. Nobody will get near that tree I guarantee it!

Mama: Uh… well..

Opie: No, mama you can count on me! I’m getting presents, la, la, la, presents, fa la , la, la , …

Mama: I’m ending the post now for Opie. He seems to be dancing a jig.

 

Happy Holidays Everyone!